"Hey, you all right?" Starbuck asked.
Apollo's head snapped up.
"Yeah," he replied.
"Bad meeting up top?"
"You could say that."
"Want to talk about it?"
"No."
"Okay," Starbuck said. "I'll still see you later?"
"Maybe. I don't know. I have lots to do."
It was an excuse, but Starbuck accepted it and left, trying not to feel hurt or angry. But it was hard enough for them to find time alone together, what with Troy, duty shifts, patrol, Cylon attacks and everybody above and below demanding Apollo's attention all day every day…
So how could he just brush off their plans like that?
Okay, maybe Starbuck was a little angry.
Strange how before they took this step, it seemed like they saw each other all the time. But now when they really wanted to be together, it was near impossible to make it happen. Perception, obviously, never quite equalled reality.
***
Starbuck waited in his quarters, knowing with each centon that ticked past Apollo wasn't going to show. He paced around, wondering what he should do: go storming out to find him … or play it cool, pretend tomorrow that it didn't matter.
Well, he could do a little looking from the comfort of his quarters. He paged the Duty Office, talked to Jolly. "The Captain's been gone for a while, Bucko, at least a couple centars."
Then where the hell was he?
***
The next day, he saw Apollo in the mess, sitting by himself, datapad in one hand, eating utensil in the other. He was doing more reading than eating.
Starbuck loaded up his tray, barely paying attention to what he put on it, marched over to the table. He dropped the tray from a few centimetres above the surface so that it made a sharp clatter on impact, spilling his javjo and some of the food.
Apollo glared up at him.
"This place is noisy enough, don't you think?" he said.
"Oh, I'm sorry," Starbuck replied sarcastically as he sat down. "Did that bother you? Just wanted to make sure you knew I existed."
"What does that mean?"
"I thought we had plans last night."
"I told you I might not be there. Besides, you've stood me up plenty of times."
"So it's retaliation, is that it?"
Apollo didn't have any fight in him today, let out a tired sigh.
"No," he said. "It's not retaliation. I'm sorry, I should have let you know."
His eyes were begging Starbuck to please drop it.
"What's going on, Apollo?" he asked.
"Nothing. I've got to finish reading this report and I have a meeting with Tigh in 20 centons. Just busy, that's all."
"I thought you met with Tigh yesterday?"
"No, the Commander. Today, it's Tigh. Which reminds me, Ensign Tevis has been reassigned to deck duty. No more patrols or combat until I say."
"Why?"
"He's not ready. I've looked over his scores and watched him handle a ship, and I'm wondering if he's cut out for this kind of service."
"He'll be fine, Apollo. He just needs more experience -"
"Well, he can get it in the sim room. He's not leaving the Galactica."
"Yes, sir."
***
Something had happened with the Commander, then. The Commander who just happened to be Apollo's father. They were usually able to stick to business, Starbuck knew, able to separate the personal relationship from the professional, but sometimes the two overlapped. Apollo had admitted that criticism from his father could be hard to take at times. "It's doubly personal," he'd told Starbuck once. "The line can get a little blurred between Commander and father, and when that happens I don't always react very well."
That was about all Apollo had ever said about him and his father, their familial interactions kept extremely private. Oh, Starbuck knew they had their disagreements, knew that at times Apollo and Adama made each other quite angry. But this time, strangely, there wasn't any anger on Apollo's part. Instead he was quiet, tired - defeated almost.
Starbuck's thoughts went in circles as the emptiness of space engulfed his Viper. Patrol was always a good time for deep thinks and a working out your problems. But he couldn't think of anything that Adama might say that would upset Apollo like this…
Oh, hold on. Yes he could. Of course - should have thought of this before now! Sometimes the obvious solutions were the last ones considered.
It had to be about him and Apollo. If the Commander had found out about them, undoubtedly he'd have something to say about it. No one knew right now, Apollo insisting that they proceed slowly, protecting himself, Starbuck knew. Apollo had even said, early on: "Don't tell me that you love me. Everyone who's ever said that to me has ended up leaving." So Starbuck would just whisper it after Apollo had fallen asleep, unable to keep it completely to himself.
So, if the Commander was objecting, it might explain why Apollo was a no-show, and why he was being so distant. But, Starbuck thought, I ought to be told. It's about me, too, after all!
***
He saw them, down the corridor by the turbo lift. Starbuck hung back in the shadows watching Apollo and Adama. They too far away for him to hear what they said, but the conversation seemed serious. After the Commander left, Apollo just stood there for a few moments, looking at the floor, then he turned and came towards Starbuck. When he got close, Starbuck stepped out to confront him.
"Can I talk to you?" he asked.
"Now?" Apollo replied.
Apollo was blinking, kept his head slightly bowed.
They were by a small storage room. Starbuck quickly unlocked it, pulled Apollo inside. Pressure suits, spare helmets, and miscellaneous bits of equipment were haphazardly stacked on shelves and on the floor. There was barely room for the two of them.
"What's happened between you and your father, Apollo?" Starbuck asked.
"I really don't want to talk about it," Apollo replied.
"You're always telling me it's better to talk things out -"
"Well, not this time, all right?"
Apollo looked down at the floor, pulled away a bit when Starbuck reached out for him.
"If this concerns me, I deserve to know!" Starbuck said, frustrated.
"What?"
"You and me. Is that the problem you're having with your father?"
Apollo was genuinely surprised.
"Oh, gods, no Starbuck. That's not it at all."
"Then what is it?"
Apollo didn't answer, instead buried his head in Starbuck's shoulder. Starbuck couldn't tell if he was crying, just held him tightly.
***
There was another possible source of information. Starbuck hated to use it, given their past, but it was Apollo he was thinking about. He took a deep breath and hit the doorchime. "Come in," he heard.
Athena looked at him warily, her icy blue eyes narrowing as she tried to discern the reason for his visit.
"Uh," Starbuck stammered, the awkwardness of the situation momentarily overwhelming him. Athena didn't know the he was sleeping with her brother, and he sure didn't want to damage their brother/sister tie, would have to be extraordinarily careful about what he said -
"Well, what do you want?" she snapped impatiently.
He was starting sweat. "Can I sit down?" he asked.
"If you must," came the cold reply.
Oh, there was a nasty comeback, right on the tip of his tongue, but he resisted. He wasn't here to fight with her. He was here for Apollo.
"Athena, can we play nice for a little while? I need to talk to you about something."
"What?"
"Apollo and your father."
He saw her jaw clench in irritation. She was even more fanatical about their family privacy than Apollo.
"Look, Athena, I know you don't want to talk about this, and god knows I don't want to, but your brother is really, well, upset, and I'm kind of… concerned."
"What do you mean, 'upset'?"
"Just seems … I don't know, hurt, I guess. He won't tell me what happened."
"Why should he?" Athena replied, her tone clipped and official. "If it's between him and our father, that's where it should stay."
She was holding back from him. He remembered that much from their time together. She would keep herself perfectly still, too still, practically stop breathing so that she'd give no hint of her inner turmoil. She was doing that now.
"I'm worried," he said.
"Apollo's a big boy. He can handle it."
"No, that's not what I mean." He paused, realizing that in order to get anywhere with her, he was going to have to confess his part. "I'm worried, because I think it's my fault, whatever's happened. I think I'm to blame for it, Athena. Apollo won't admit it, but I think it's true."
She frowned. "What'd you do?"
I fell in love with your brother, Starbuck thought, but said: "Well, Apollo and I, we… Things have changed between us. We're more than just friends now."
Athena's eyes went wide as his meaning became clear to her.
"Um," she said, one of the few times in her life she was at a loss for words. "H-how long has this been going on?"
Starbuck shifted uncomfortably, scared the confession had been wrong.
"A while," he said vaguely.
"While we were together?" she asked sharply.
"No! No, honestly, one of you at a time is all I can handle."
This crack made her smile and she shook her head.
"I had no idea you could be so discreet, Bucko," she said. "Must be serious."
"Yeah," Starbuck replied, feeling relieved over her reaction, "yeah, it is, which is why I'm so worried."
Athena nodded to herself, thought for a few moments.
"Well, Starbuck," she said, "I don't know what's going on. But somehow, I don't think it's about you and Apollo. Father might say something about it, but he's not narrow minded, and quite honestly just wants us to be happy. He gets quite concerned about Apollo, you know, about his depressions. If you're able to pull him out of that, I tend to think Father would be very pleased."
"But you think something's happened between them?"
"Yes," she admitted. "Father's acting very strangely. He's distracted and quiet, almost… ashamed of himself. So maybe he has said something he intensely regrets."
"What do you think he'd say?"
"I don't know, but I'll talk to him again, try and find out."
***
In the Duty Office, another thought occurred to him.
It made no sense, had no obvious connection to the situation, but was at least worth a look. "Computer," Starbuck said, "display file of Ensign Tevis."
The Ensign's training scores certainly weren't great, Starbuck had to admit, but others had done worse. He scrolled down to where Apollo's comments were.
Shows signs of impulsiveness, Apollo had logged. A bit nervous, lets fear have too much control in the cockpit. With experience, these problems should be overcome. Opinion concurs with that of Lt. Starbuck. Recommend Patrol duty, and next level of combat training.
And then, a new entry, made just yesterday.
Recommendation overturned by Commander Adama. Ensign Tevis reassigned to deck duty, pending further evaluation.
Well, it wasn't the first time Adama had disagreed with one of Apollo's pilot assessments, Starbuck thought as he closed the file. But most of the time, Apollo was able to alleviate his father's concerns. He was the one down here, after all, keeping an eye on the troops. His opinion should matter more.
For some reason, however, Adama had taken exception to this Ensign Tevis, and had forced Apollo to reverse his decision.
It must be related, Starbuck thought. But how?
***
The Black Anniversary was here. The day where emotions ran highest across the Fleet, the day where they remembered everything they'd lost. Over the yahrens, a sort of ceremony had spontaneously developed. On every ship, the people would stop what they were doing and listen to Adama on the unicom as he spoke about the Colonies, the beauty of the planets they'd inhabited, and the people killed in their near annihilation. And then he'd give them words of hope, describe their journey as a voyage of discovery, and promise that their current hardships were not for nothing. There was a reward coming to them, Adama had no doubt.
The Commander was always in fine form when he delivered this speech: fiery yet compassionate, emotional but strong. Starbuck truly believed it played a big part in keeping them all going, turned a horrific event in their collective past into a symbol of their survival, and strengthened their wills to live, no matter what the gods might send their way next.
After Adama's speech, each ship placed large bowls of water in common areas that had been blessed by the High Priestess of the Goddess Arthemia. In ancient times, rain meant that Arthemia was weeping because her lover, Soma the Sun God, had left her again. Now, the water represented the tears the people had shed, and they would dip their fingers in the bowls and then wet their lips, transforming the tears into nourishment, into life and hope, just as rain renewed the soil. Water was the great connector and healer; it knew all, it gave all.
Apollo was always exceptionally quiet on this day, thinking about his mother and brother, and friends gone forever. And he, Athena and Adama always spent some time together, talking about their lives on Caprica and their lost family. So Starbuck was surprised to hear that they weren't doing that this yahren.
Before Starbuck could stop himself he blurted out: "Why not?"
He and Apollo were alone in a turbolift, just coming from the mess where they'd done their own remembrance ritual.
"Don't have time," Apollo answered shortly.
The lift stopped at the deck where their quarters were. Apollo moved swiftly down the corridor, Starbuck trailing after.
"Hey, wait -"
They stopped in front of Apollo's door. "Starbuck, can you please just leave me alone for a while?"
"No," Starbuck replied sharply. "I won't leave you alone. Why are you pushing me away?"
"I'm not."
"You are!"
With an irritated sigh, Apollo unlocked his door. "Inside," he said.
"I'm sorry to force you into this!" Starbuck continued, unable to stop himself now. "But I think I deserve some sort of explanation for how you've been treating me! And I'm not convinced that whatever happened between you and your father doesn't concern me somehow-"
"For the last time," Apollo snapped, "it is NOT YOU! Do you understand? It isn't you!" His eyes filled, and his lower lip trembled. "I-It's me," he stammered, raising his hands to his face. "Me."
Starbuck quickly embraced him, held him tightly and kissed his hair.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," he whispered, rocking Apollo back and forth.
Apollo got control of himself again, but didn't pull away. Instead, he snuggled in closer. Lord, Starbuck loved him at that moment, loved him so much it nearly brought tears to his own eyes.
"Apollo," he said softly, "I want to help you. I wish you'd tell me what's wrong."
No response.
"Let me see you. Come on."
Starbuck pulled back, tilted Apollo's face up to his.
"Will you tell me?" he asked again. Apollo nodded.
Starbuck led him to the sofa, and they sat down. Apollo took a deep breath and wiped his eyes.
"My father told me," Apollo began, "that he thinks it's my fault Zac was killed."
"Why would he say a thing like that?"
"Well, it wasn't quite that direct, but it came out in the course of our conversation."
"But" - Starbuck struggled for something meaningful to say - "he couldn't have meant it, Apollo. What happened to Zac isn't your fault. It was an ambush."
Apollo took a deep breath and rubbed his eyes wearily.
"Maybe he didn't mean to tell me, but god knows these accidental revelations are usually the absolute truth. So it doesn't really matter what actually happened that day. My father blames me, and there's nothing that can change that."
"Tell me what he said, exactly."
Slowly, Starbuck got all the details.
***
It had begun with a discussion about Ensign Tevis and few other Junior Officers. Adama periodically checked over the scores and training records of new pilots, not intending to interfere, merely to keep himself informed. He'd had some issues with this last batch of trainees, and called a meeting with Apollo. Apollo readily admitted that the recruits were of poorer quality this time, but they weren't in a position to be overly choosy, and he promised to keep a close eye on them, and would instruct his senior officers to do the same.
But this time, Adama wasn't inclined to accept that course of action, began pushing Apollo to send some of them back through training. Apollo refused, saying it would be a waste of time, would completely mess up the schedule, when actual experience out in space was what they really needed. The conversation got steadily more heated, and somewhere along the way, Apollo said, the tone changed. Adama started talking about when he was a Captain during the war, and the way they conducted training, and how they ensured that every pilot sent out was prepared for the fight and wouldn't panic. Wouldn't lose their heads so that they became easy targets for the Cylons. And Apollo had angrily argued back that they didn't have time to proceed so thoroughly here, but everyone was trained as well as they needed to be, in his opinion.
Not this group! Adama'd retorted. They're no better trained than Zac was!
But, Apollo said, shocked, I trained Zac.
There was silence in the room.
You think I didn't train him properly? Apollo asked, desperately hoping for a denial.
That was a bad example, Apollo, the Commander rapidly backtracked, and I'd actually forgotten that you had trained him. Zac's just on my mind, what with the approach of the Black Anniversary.
No, you didn't forget. You used to comment on it all the time, before he died.
I merely want you to be aware that sometimes you rush the pilots, as I think you've done that with this group.
Father, I didn't do anything differently with Zac than I've done with any of the others. In fact, if anything, I was harder on him.
Adama sighed. Apollo, I looked at his record. He was not doing as well as I'd thought.
So, what are you saying? I shouldn't have taken him out with me?
Zac didn't learn as quickly as you. Few pilots learn as quickly as you.
You think he wasn't ready, Apollo stated incredulously, and he shouldn't have been out with me. You think that's why he was killed.
Apollo, I know you were eager to take him out on patrol. I know you were proud of him, and perhaps it clouded your judgement. That doesn't make you responsible -
Oh yes it does. That makes me entirely responsible.
Apollo -
I've taken note of your concerns, Commander, and I'll carefully review the records of these new pilots. May I be dismissed?
***
"But it isn't your fault," Starbuck said. "It should have been safe enough for both of you. It was supposed to be peace. If anyone's to blame, it'd be Baltar!"
"Maybe a better pilot would have gotten away."
"Maybe. But you weren't anticipating any danger. Nobody was, Apollo, don't you get it? Whether Zac could fly a Viper or not is irrelevant. We were betrayed. This whole goddamn journey shouldn't have happened! We should all be home, watching the sun rise and set with no worries about our survival. We should living real lives, not this semblance of existence that's been handed to us. So what happened to Zac certainly wasn't fair, but it was in no way your fault, and if your father can't see that, he's a fool."
Apollo nodded, but Starbuck knew he wasn't really listening.
There was a soft tap at the door.
"Who is it?" Apollo asked.
"Athena."
He sighed, glanced at Starbuck, then away again. "Come in."
Athena hesitated when she saw Starbuck, obviously wanting to talk to Apollo alone.
"I'll, uh, be going -" Starbuck began.
"Stay here," Apollo ordered. He looked up as his sister. "He knows all about it, Athena, so you can say whatever you've been sent to say."
"I haven't been 'sent' to do anything," Athena replied. "I'm here to ask you to come with me to Father's quarters."
"No, not this time."
A flash of impatience showed in Athena's eyes, but she controlled it. She crouched down before her brother, touching his hand.
"I know he's hurt you very badly," she said. "And Father knows he's hurt you very badly. He very much wants to tell you how sorry he is, Apollo."
"Well, he's had plenty of opportunities."
"Can you consider for a moment that he's so ashamed of himself he can barely talk about it? I've never seen him like this. He's genuinely terrified he's lost you."
Apollo withdrew his hand, and with a sigh, Athena stood. But she wasn't giving up yet.
"I wish you'd come with me. I don't want to see what's left of this family torn apart. Especially today, when we should be remembering how things used to be."
"Can I think about it?" Apollo asked, relenting a little.
His response wasn't what she wanted, but she nodded.
"Father didn't mean what he said," she added. "It came out all wrong, and despite what you might think it is possible for him to take back his words. But you have to allow it, Apollo."
She glanced at Starbuck before turning away, silently imploring him to support her in this. Then she strode swiftly out the door.
***
When she'd gone, Apollo sank back on the sofa and closed his eyes. Starbuck touched him lightly on the cheek, well aware of the turmoil inside him. It's one thing to be hurt, quite another to forgive, with forgiveness being by far the most difficult. Apollo opened his eyes, turned his troubled gaze on his lover.
"What do you think?" he asked.
"I think you should go," Starbuck replied.
"Why?"
Starbuck paused before answering, unsure if what he was about to say would help or only cause more trouble.
"Because there are two people waiting for you who love you more than anything in this universe, and you're damn lucky to have them."
Apollo looked away, feeling a new stab of guilt. Starbuck was referring to his own orphan experience, alone for practically his whole life.
"Besides," Starbuck continued, "if this was you and Troy, and you said something wrong, wouldn't you want him to forgive you?"
Apollo nodded. "Yeah…"
"Nobody's perfect, not even your father."
"It's just - it was about the worst thing he could have said, you know?"
"I know."
"And it won't be easy going in there."
"I know that too. But I also think your father hasn't dealt with Zac's death, or your mother's, because he hasn't had the chance. He's had to be strong for all of us, and maybe the grief's catching up with him a little."
Apollo looked down at his hands, thinking.
"Then, I guess I better go," he said slowly.
"I guess you better."
Apollo got to his feet, then turned and pulled Starbuck up after him. He wrapped his arms around Starbuck and whispered:
"This is why I need you. I'm lucky to have you, too."
Starbuck kissed him. "Get going," he said.
"Stay with me tonight?"
The invitation was a bit of a surprise, but certainly not unwelcome.
"Yeah," Starbuck readily agreed.
With one last squeeze, Apollo let him go, and left on his journey of reconciliation. Starbuck stood in the empty quarters for a few moments, suddenly feeling a bit lonely, but he shook it off, deciding to kill some time in the OC with a drink and maybe a few hands of Pyramid.
Fumarillo between his teeth, Starbuck sauntered out of Apollo's quarters and down the corridor, content to know that soon enough he'd be back here, with the person he loved most in the universe.
END