BY YOUR COMMAND - Static ARCHIVE

"Computer, confirm time."

"It is 0717."

Well, apparently I fell asleep 7 centars ago. Maybe a shower will help with the groggies. Let's go, Bucko. Up and at 'em, or you're gonna be late.

Maybe I'm sick. Better go get checked out, just in case.

There's something I'm supposed to do today - what is it? Think, think, think... No, it's no good. Not with the state I'm in. Hopefully it'll come to me before it's too late.

"Starbuck to the duty office."

"Jolly here, Bucko."

"I'm going to sick bay. Something not quite right today."

"Ah, you're just goin' to see the nurses, but I'll note it, tell the Captain."

"Ha ha. Thanks, Jolly. Starbuck out."

Apollo - something about him, something I have to do today. Damn, I better remember, or he'll be angry with me. And I sure don't want to upset him...

No, check that. Maybe I do want to upset him, get him out that dead zone he's stuck in, make him show some feelings, some life. Can't seem to do it any other way. Nothing makes an impression on him anymore.

And I'm trying to be understanding. I know that he was devastated by Boxey's death - hell, we all were, but that doesn't mean I don't get frustrated with him. "Give him time," Cassie says. "Remember what he's been through before this."

I know, I know: Zac and Serina. But every single member of this Fleet is grieving over someone, has had to put their losses behind them and move on.

Move on to the ones who still live, and wait, patiently, to be noticed.

*

Gods, I'm so tired, I don't know if I'll make it to sick bay. Something really wrong with me. My legs are shaking. Come on, Starbuck, one foot in front of the other, and you'll be there before you know it. Almost at the turbolift, just around this corner -

"Why are you doing this now?"

"Well, you never return my messages, so I'm reduced to ambushing you in the corridor. There's no other way I can talk to you!"

Uh-oh, Apollo and Athena, toe to toe in front of the turbolift. Not getting involved in that. Duck back, before they see you.

"There's nothing to say, Athena!"

That's been Apollo's policy since that awful day when Adama sent him out on a mission knowing full well Boxey was dying. The betrayal, for Apollo, is unforgivable. And Athena's unshakeable loyalty to the Commander has torn them apart.

"Why are you punishing me?" Athena asks. "What did I do?"

"You seriously have to ask me?"

"He's my father, Apollo. I can't turn my back on him."

"Yeah, I know that," Apollo's reply is icy. "But you knew just as much as he did about Boxey and you did nothing!"

"I understood his decision at the time, but I was wrong! How many times do you need me to say that? I've regretted it every single day! And what would it have changed, anyway? He'd still be gone, Apollo."

Yikes, that wasn't a good thing to say.

"That's not the point," Apollo says. "And if I have to explain it to you, then you really don't understand, and there's no way you ever will. Now I've got to go. I'm late."

The turbolift door opens and closes. Athena comes back around the corner, nearly runs into me.

"Uh, sorry," she says, tries to smile, gives up, passes her hand wearily over her forehead. "Did you, uh, hear all that?"

"Unfortunately, yes."

"I blew it, didn't I?" She continues on before I can answer. "Damn it, I never know when to stop. What a stupid, heartless thing to say to him."

Now she's getting a little teary-eyed, very unusual for her. Despite my fatigue, I hold out my arms, and she accepts this small comfort. Briefly. She straightens up suddenly and wipes her eyes, annoyed over showing this chink in her armour. She walks away without another word.

What a family.

Even I was horrified by the Commander's attitude, his grandson's last breaths meaning less to him than some rock in a system we were passing. Adama goes out of his way not to show favouritism towards Apollo and Athena, and sometimes he goes to far, crosses the line into the realm of cruelty. It's why Athena is the way she is, I think. And it's partially why we couldn't stay together.

The other reason is that I began thinking about her brother more than I thought about her.

Okay, sick bay, here I come. Coast is clear.

*

"Can't find anything wrong with you, Starbuck," Dr. Salik says, squinting up at the readings on the biobed. "There's no explanation for how you're feeling, but I believe you. You, of everybody, avoid this place like it's the forth hell of Trevias' vision."

"Got to be something there, doc. It can't all be in my mind - can it?"

Dr. Salik shakes his head. "Well, if it's just fatigue, I suggest you go sleep some more, then come back and I'll check you out again. I'm sorry, Starbuck, that's the best I can do."

With a weary sigh I sit up. Back to bed, that sounds inviting.

Except -

Except for whatever it is I'm supposed to do today. This nagging feeling is getting stronger. There must be something wrong with me. I don't have memory lapses like this.

"Doc," I say, "there's another problem. There's something I'm supposed to do today, but I can't remember what. Can you give me something for my memory?"

He chuckles at me. "No, Lieutenant. It'll come to you, whatever it is. No drug can make it happen."

"Well, frak..."

"I'll inform the Captain you're off-duty."

"Yeah, thanks."

Home to bed - in a little bit. Got to check on something - someone - first. I direct the turbolift down five decks.

Apollo's sitting in the duty office, skimming through the reports from the previous two shifts. Not much going on lately, very quiet all over the Fleet, a welcome respite for everybody. We actually have a chance to train the troops properly, not crash course 'em then send 'em out to die. But sometimes the quietude isn't a good thing; sometimes it gives a person far too much time to think. And Apollo's far to prone to introspection already. His physical presence usually means nothing. His mind is always far, far away.

I won't let on I heard that argument with his sister. He won't want to talk about it anyway, at least not now. Maybe later.

"What're you doing here?" he asks. "Dr. Salik told me you weren't feeling well."

"Just wanted to be sure you didn't need me for anything," I reply.

"No, everything's under control, and if I need a hand, I'll get Boomer."

Gods, I want to touch him, want to stroke his hair, comfort him. He's acting like everything's okay, but it isn't. He's upset. His gaze drifts around, not staying on anything for very long. I sure he hasn't absorbed one word of those reports.

"Hey, Captain," Jolly calls, peering around the doorway, "what time's that thing for Hera?"

"That 'thing' is at 1200," Apollo replies.

"I'll be there, sir."

Jolly vanishes again.

"What's going on?" I ask.

"Hera's getting promoted. Lieutenant 3rd class."

"Oh ho, that means a party tonight!" I say happily.

"You're sick, remember?"

"What are you, my mother? Doc says I just need a little more sleep."

"Yeah," Apollo says, "don't we all."

A slightly odd response, but only one of many coming from him lately. And my energy is pretty much gone, my bed beckons. I'm so fogged by fatigue that I don't realize what I'm doing. But suddenly my hand reaches out, touches his cheek. I notice too late, pull away a little too quickly so that the moment is only awkward. Geez...

*

Sleep.

And dreams.

Bad dreams. Dreams that weren't remotely dreamlike, in that they were far too real. They took place right here, and I was the star, with appearances by Tigh, Boomer, Cassie, Athena; all of us, hurting. I awoke with tears leaking out of my eyes and a lump in my throat. Couldn't quite remember the dreams at first, but then they came back to me, a little at a time.

Apollo, dead.

Just thinking that gives me a jolt of pain - a real jolt, of real pain, like it's actually happened.

"Computer," I say, "location of Captain Apollo."

"Captain Apollo is in Cargo Bay Alpha 9, on deck 3."

"Is he - is he, okay?"

"All vital signs within acceptable parameters."

I'm relieved. I can't believe how relieved I am. For a moment I actually thought he was -

Something else from those dreams. Me - praying! I don't pray, except maybe at the Pyramid table sometimes. What'd I say? What was I praying for? Concentrate, Starbuck, concentrate...

Please, if any of you can hear me, let me go back and undo this. I know I can, and I'll forfeit anything you want me to. I should've been there -

"Boomer to Starbuck. You awake, old buddy?"

The dreams evaporate instantly. Damn.

"Yeah. What do you need, Boomer?"

"Nothin', except your presence in the Officer's Lounge. Seeing as you missed Hera's big moment, you better come down here and congratulate her personally."

"Uh, yeah, yeah, I'll be right there," I say.

"I'll tell her you're on your way."

"Please, don't."

"You still afraid of her, Bucko?"

"Frankly, yes."

Boomer laughs. "Well, she's lookin' for you anyway, my friend, so consider yourself warned. Boomer out."

*

I do feel better, but still not quite right. Almost like I'm slightly out of phase with everything around me. When I reach out to touch the button for the turbolift, there's a - a delay. I can't explain it. I know I've hit the button, but I don't see myself do it right away, like the connection between my eyes and brain is shorting out, all pictures being broadcast slightly behind schedule. I still can't remember what I'm supposed to do, which worries me, but I do have a strange compulsion to find Apollo before I go to Hera's party. Must be the dream...

I know exactly where to go to find him. There's no reason I should know - he could still be in the cargo bay, but without hesitation I go back down to the troop decks, knowing he'll be in the duty office even though his shift is over. I stick my head in and tell him that the party's underway in the bar.

"So, let's go, Captain," I say. "You're -"

Now, hold on just one fraking moment. I've heard these words before.

" - expected."

He shakes his head.

"Not right now," he says. "It's been so quiet lately, I'm almost caught up on all the grunt work. Just have a couple things I want to finish."

Heard that before, too. And I'm looking down at my chronometer, more words are about to come out of my mouth -

"Well, I'll come back at 2100. Then you're definitely coming with me."

He puts up his hands in a gesture of defeat. "Okay," he agrees.

I'm not in control here. My body turns away, heads towards the Officer's Lounge, moving completely independently of my mind which is trying to figure out what in the name of all that's holy is going on here . Everything's so eerily familiar - but of course it's familiar, I'm down here every stinking day of my life - but around this corner I'm going to meet Ensign Loria.

"Sir," Ensign Loria greets me as he passes by.

"Ensign."

Okay, that's a little weird. And I know, somehow, that at the doors to the Lounge, Jolly's going to be waiting for me. He's going to tell me - warn me - that Hera's been bragging about what she's going to do with me, now that we're equals.

"Oh, gods, Starbuck," Jolly says, "run the other way, and don't take any drinks directly from Hera 'cause I guarantee you she'll have put something in 'em. She's on the hunt for you, my son."

Okay, that's very weird.

Inside the lounge - smoky, and loud, as always. I spot Bojay trying to rustle up players for a game of Pyramid. Of course he heads right for me. 'Bout time you got here, he's going to say...

"'Bout time you got here," he says. "I was thinking I'd have satisfy myself with cleaning out these suckers, which would be no fun at all."

A strong hand on my arm spins me around. Hera, glaring at me, licking her lips, moving in for the kill. She'd be really beautiful if she weren't so scary. She has to conquer everything and everyone around her. I've managed to evade her, for the most part.

"So, Lieutenant," she says icily, "you haven't congratulated me. I'm offended."

"Uh, congratulations."

"You'll have to do better than that. I have a few ideas, which I'll tell you in private -"

Bojay rescues me, as I knew he would.

"Sorry, Hera," he says, "we got a game startin' up. All players must report to the table."

"You men and your little games," she says condescendingly. "When you tire of such meaningless pursuits, I'll be waiting."

Thankfully, she walks away. Bojay's pulling me towards the Pyramid table. I check the time - one game won't hurt...and I need a drink, too.

I have a good hand. One of the best hands I've had in a long, long time. But then, maybe Bojay's is good too. He's got that twitch happening in his left eyebrow. He doesn't know about that twitch, doesn't realize he gives it all away like that. So I'm not in the clear yet. It'll depend on how well he plays his cards.

So far so good. I can anticipate what's going to be put down, know which way the pattern of cards on the table is going to move. I've never felt so attuned to the cards before...

Bojay's sitting directly across from me, and movement in the crowd behind him catches my eye. A woman pushes through the people, but it's strange because no one seems to notice as she squeezes between them. They continue to watch the game and talk as if she's not even there. I don't recognize her, but I can see that she's unhappy, and she raises her hand to wipe the tears from her eyes. She stumbles to the table, stops, confused, like she doesn't know where she is. She's right beside Bojay, but he doesn't react at all, just studies his cards.

"Hey, what's wrong?" I say.

"What's your rush," Bojay answers grumpily.

"No, not you -"

She's looking at me now, unable to control her crying anymore. She shakes her head, puts her hands out in a gesture of helplessness. She just looks at me, and for a moment I'm infected by her sadness, but then suddenly it's my turn to play and my gaze drops back to my cards.

She's gone. The moment I looked away, she vanished.

The other players at the table are staring at me impatiently. I - I don't know what to do. Everything suddenly has no meaning, I feel like I'm in the wrong place, that I shouldn't be here at all.

That there's something else I should be doing.

Apollo...

I drop my cards and lurch to my feet, knocking my drink over.

"God-damn it, Starbuck!" Bojay exclaims, pushing back from the table and the liquid rushes towards him.

The whole room is looking our way.

"Sorry, I - sorry."

I shove my way through to the door and out, pausing to take a deep breath in the corridor. My only thought is to get to Apollo. Something's going to happen - I have to protect him.

"Computer, location of Captain Apollo!"

"Captain Apollo is not aboard the Galactica," the machine replies.

"What?!"

"Captain Apollo -"

"All right, I heard you! Where'd he go?"

"Unknown."

"Lieutenant Starbuck to Bridge."

"Bridge."

"What ships have left the Galactica since 1900?"

"One moment." An interminable pause. "Two patrols, consisting of Lieutenants Sheba and Boomer, and Ensigns Loria and Kalil."

"That's it?" I ask. "No shuttles, nothing unauthorized?"

"Negative Lieutenant. Is there a problem?"

That is the question.

"I don't know," I reply. "Starbuck out."

Think, Bucko. Maybe he didn't actually leave. If he wrecked his combadge somehow, the computer wouldn't read him...

And if he turfed it out an airlock, the computer would think he'd left the ship. But why would he do that - why would he want to be completely incommunicado?

What's happening to me? I'm near panicking, for god's sake! Calm down, start with the obvious, the duty office, then his quarters. Undertake a process of elimination.

But I don't have a lot of time.

The duty office is empty, as I expected it to be. I check the time: 2130. I'm late, and Apollo isn't one to wait around, so maybe that's not a bad sign.

Bad sign - bad sign of what?

Okay, should try and trace his movements. There'd be a route left in ship's sensors telling me where he'd been. I can access it from here...

At 2032 he went to the Bridge, to the Commander's briefing room. A long meeting with his father, or with the Commander, depending on which role Adama was playing tonight. Left the Bridge at 2110. Went to deck 18, emergency airlock 9. No further record of him.

He - he wouldn't have thrown himself out the airlock. Oh gods, don't think that way. He's not suicidal -

Is he?

My blood's running cold now. 2200 - it pops into my mind. I have to find him before then. He's still here on the Galactica, I know it.

His quarters are locked, of course, and there's no answer when I lean on the doorchime.

"Apollo, if you're in there, open the door! I want to talk to you!"

Nothing. What should I do? Break in, or go look somewhere else?

And why am I so agitated? This whole day's been so strange, for no apparent reason, and the Fleet is so quiet, everybody's caught up on their work, everything running smoothly -

This thought catches in my mind. Something about finishing, something about what he said earlier about finishing everything.

Something about the woman crying at the Pyramid table.

Something about those dreams I had.

"Apollo! Open the door! Please!"

I'm pounding on it now. I could call security, but there's no time. I'm out of time -

But suddenly, the door opens, and he's standing there with tears in his eyes. Then he's in my arms and for some reason I'm crying, asking him over and over again if he's all right. Finally, I draw back a little, and at the sight of his tear-stained face a surge of intense love rushes through me. Gently, I kiss the tears from his cheeks.

"What are you doing?" I ask.

He doesn't answer, just closes his eyes and bows his head.

"Y - you weren't going to leave me, were you?" I say.

Still no answer from him.

"Say something, Apollo, please."

But instead he shudders and pulls away from me, hands up like he's trying to protect himself. He stumbles away, looking wildly around him, like he's following the flight of some invisible phantom that whirls around the room.

"Apollo, what's wrong? Apollo -"

Then he's okay again, straightens up, but he's frowning, confused.

"What happened?" I ask. "What did you see?"

"I saw - me," he stammers. "But it wasn't me. It was an apparition, a - a ghost. Of me."

He looks around the room like he doesn't recognize it.

"What's happening here?" he asks. "This isn't right."

I touch his arm. He jerks away like I've burned him.

"No! No, I can't remember," he says. "There's something I was going to do. Why are you here, anyway? You're not supposed to be here."

He's afraid now, I can see it. He backs away from me.

"Maybe it's not important, whatever you've forgotten," I say.

"This isn't right!" Apollo insists. "There's been a - a change."

"What kind of change?"

"I don't know! Just a change!"

He stops, puts his face in his hands. I dare to approach him, put my arm around his shoulders. He leans against me and I nuzzle his hair.

"Oh, gods, I'm tired," he says.

I, on the other hand, feel great. I can't explain it, but I feel totally energized. All the fatigue has disappeared.

"You're not supposed to be here," Apollo says again. "But I'm glad you are."

"I'll always be here, whenever you want me."

"I know."

He pulls away and turns to face me. He's so close to me that it takes all my will power to not reach out and take his hand, kiss his palm. It takes all my will power to not say to him what I'm desperate to say, but any of my words would only add to his confusion. I've waited this long, I can wait a little longer.

"I feel like I've just awakened from a terrible dream," he says. "But then I look around here, and I think that this has to be the dream."

I take his hand, squeeze it.

"This is totally real," I say.

He looks up at me, and I lose myself in his beautiful blue eyes.

"Will you stay for a while?" he asks. "I just don't know what's going on anymore."

"Of course I'll stay."

He smiles, a small smile, but it's such a welcome sight that I pull him to me and hug him again. And for no apparent reason there are tears in my eyes, and the pain of a loss that didn't happen.

"All right, you can let go of me now," Apollo says.

No. Never, I think, releasing him.

"What happened here?" he asks.

"Some kind of miracle?" I answer with a shrug.

He thinks about it, nods.

"Strangely enough," he says, "that kind of fits."

Apollo seems to have turned a corner. He still has his bad days, but little by little he's acting more like his old self. He's even been thinking about Athena, making the first small overtures towards a reconciliation with her. I hope she doesn't blow it.

But he doesn't remember much about that night in his quarters. From the time he left the duty office, until he pulled away from me and saw his own ghost, is all a blank. It bothered him for quite a while, and on top of that his combadge was missing and he had no idea what he might have done with it. I knew, of course, but I thought I'd better keep it to myself. I even erased those sensor logs, which could get me into an awful lot of trouble, but Apollo doesn't need to know where he wandered that night. It's the Bridge, specifically, that I'm thinking about. If Apollo learned he'd gone to see his father, he might be tempted to ask the Commander about it. But I have a strong feeling that their conversation wasn't a happy one and that it's better left buried. Adama will never mention it if Apollo doesn't.

I woke up the following day with, once again, the feeling that there was something I had to do. Gods, not again, I thought.

I went out from my quarters and to the turbolift. For some reason, Cassie's image flickered across my mind and I remembered that at this time of the day she was usually in one of the temples on deck 24. I wanted to talk to her anyway about everything that had happened, for she'd always professed to be attuned to the 'spirit world', and I was sure that this would fall within her area of expertise.

So, down to deck 24 I went, where many of the gods had residences. But which one did Cassie favour? I walked past the doors, reading the names of each one until I found who I was looking for. The goddess Friel, that was who Cassie always went to. I stepped into Friel's temple.

I stopped dead in my tracks.

At the front of this small room was a mosaic, an image of Friel.

It was the woman who'd been crying at the Pyramid table. It was exactly her, and Friel stood with her hands out helplessly, just like the woman did. Across the bottom of the image was inscribed: The goddess is merciful.

Shaking, I went right to the front to make her an offering. I thanked her profusely for what she'd done for me, for the mercy she'd shown. For in that instant I remembered everything, from both timelines. I remembered Tigh coming to see me and the memorial service. I remembered begging her to help me and to help Apollo. I remembered the pain. Friel had heard me, at a point in the past - no, the future - no - It doesn't matter. She'd heard me, and acted for me. What she'll require in return she hasn't told me yet, but I will gladly give it when the time comes. For now, I'll make an offering and thank her every day, and honour her always by staying close to Apollo.

THE END