BY YOUR COMMAND - Static ARCHIVE

"Look," he said, "I, uh, I don't know how to put this." He paused, looked down at his fidgeting fingers. "I don't want to hurt you, ever. But I – I can't marry you. I'm sorry."

Only shocked silence came from the other side of the table. Starbuck saw Cassie's knuckles whiten as she gripped the table edge, slowly absorbing what he said.

"Is this a joke?" she asked quietly.

Starbuck shook his head. "No, no joke."

"Why?"

Now he was confused. "Why what?"

"Why can't you marry me?" she snapped impatiently.

Starbuck closed his eyes. He knew she'd ask the question, but he had not decided how to reply.

"Cass," he said, "I do love you, but I don't think we should get married."

"You can't marry me, or you don't think you should – which is it?"

He sighed heavily, passed a shaky hand over his forehead. "I can't. There's someone else."

Her face, which had paled with his first words, now flushed angrily.

"God damn you," she said quietly, then again, louder: "God damn you! I should have known! Who could tame the infamous Lieutenant Starbuck? And here I was arrogant enough to think that maybe it was me! I am so stupid –" Her voice cracked on the last word, and she put a hand to her mouth to try and hold back the tears.

"Cassie –"

"Shut up! Just shut up!"

Starbuck's heart was breaking too, seeing how badly he'd hurt her. He never should have proposed to her. He knew the night he did it that it was wrong, that he wouldn't be able to go through with it.

"I'm sorry," he said. "Believe me, Cassie, I'm sorry, but the marriage wouldn't have worked out –"

"Saving me the trouble are you? How kind," she interjected bitterly.

He hated himself, and for a moment hated the other person who'd stolen his affections.

"So how long has this other affair been going on?" Cassie demanded.

"It's not an affair… it's complicated."

"Don't even want to tell me that much, huh? Fine. I guess you've said all you need to."

Cassie stood with such force that she knocked her chair over. Without another word she hurried away, but Starbuck could see her hands going to her face to catch the tears.

***

"You all right?" asked a soft, concerned voice.

Cassie looked up, saw Apollo standing by her. Damn, she thought, looking up at his kind, handsome face and soft green eyes, should have been you I went for, not that bastard lieutenant. She shook her head. "No, I'm not really all right."

"Anything I can do?"

Hold me, she thought, just hold me and let me cry on your shoulder…

"Don't you know what's happened?" she asked.

Apollo shook his head. "No. What?"

Cassie glanced around. She was sitting in a quiet alcove near sick bay. It was semi-private, being mostly visible from the corridor but out of hearing distance. Apollo must have noticed her hiding in there. She moved over, patted the seat beside her.

"Sit down."

Cassie took a deep breath, exhaled slowly. She hadn't told anyone about Starbuck yet – and, obviously, he hadn't said a word either. Apollo certainly would have been among the first told, if not the very first.

"Starbuck," she began, then stopped. "Last night, Starbuck broke off our engagement."

"What? Why?"

The reaction was genuine. Apollo didn't know.

"For the most common reason out there. He said there's someone else."

"Oh, Cass, I'm sorry."

He put his arm around her shoulders, gave her a squeeze. She felt her eyes filling again, and she brushed harshly at the tears.

"Have you seen him with anybody else?" she asked.

"No. All he ever talked about was you."

"Well, obviously, he was lying." She sniffled. "I'm such a fool. Why didn't I see what was going on?"

"You're not a fool. You had every reason to believe him. I had no idea he'd do this. I'm shocked."

"I don't even know why I'm crying. I should just be angry."

Apollo didn't answer, just pulled her closer so that her head rested on his shoulder. She felt him kiss the top of her head.

"Do you want me to talk to him?" Apollo asked.

"No. I'll find out eventually what's really going on. And it won't change the fact that he doesn't want to marry me."

"It's his great loss, Cassie. I mean that."

Cassie pulled back to look at him. "I know you do," she said. "I better go back. I told Dr. Salik I just needed some air."

She went to stand, but then hesitated, cocking her head at Apollo.

"My father always said that when one door closed another would open," she said. "And he was right. Last week Dr. Salik asked me to consider training to be a doctor. I said 'no' because I thought I'd be having a family soon. But you know what? I'm gonna go for it now."

"Don't be hasty," Apollo said.

"You don't think I can do it?"

He smiled. "Cassie, I know you can. But it's a huge commitment and you better be sure you're ready for it."

"Gods, you're always so sensible," she complained mockingly.

She leaned over and kissed him. "Thank you," she said.

"If you need me, just come find me."

"I know."

She stood and hurried back to sick bay, suddenly eager to talk to Dr. Salik.

***

Starbuck paced, glancing at his timepiece.

"Gonna miss that shuttle," he muttered, annoyed.

Finally, he spotted Apollo across the bay, just as the last of the passengers were being loaded aboard the shuttle to the Rising Star.

"Where've you been?" Starbuck snapped as they ran for the doors.

"Got held up."

"Well, you're lucky we didn't miss this!"

Apollo said nothing, just sank into his seat and got ready for launch.

"No apology?" Starbuck continued. "No, 'Sorry I'm late, Starbuck?' Gods, when I'm late I have to practically kiss your boots –"

Apollo hadn't intended bringing up the subject of Cassie, figuring Starbuck would tell him in his own time. But now he getting a little pissed off. "Actually," Apollo said, "I was talking to Cassie." This shut Starbuck up.

"Oh," he said.

"She seems to be a little upset."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. Something about – what did she say? Oh, I remember: you breaking off the engagement!"

"So she went running right to you, did she?" Starbuck asked, playing his usual gambit of deflection.

"No. I happened to see her and noticed she wasn't very happy."

There was a rumbling that briefly cut off all conversation as the shuttle launched from the Galactica. Starbuck folded his arms across his chest and stared a spot on the floor between his boots. The sound died once they were in space, and around them people began chattering again. Apollo stared out the portal, silently naming off the ships of the Fleet as they went past. Starbuck watched his friend out of the corner of his eye.

"Apollo?"

"Yes?" came the icy reply.

"Can we talk about it later?"

"What's there to talk about? It's between you and Cassie."

"Well, maybe I want to talk about it." Apollo relented, seeing anguish in his friend's eyes. "All right." But he had one more question to ask: "So you really meant it? Breaking up with her?"

Starbuck nodded. "Yeah."

"Hm."

Apollo reverted to his usual non-committal response: no approval, no disapproval. Privately, he'd always thought it a bit strange, Starbuck's sudden announcement that he'd decided to marry Cassie. Not strange because of his continuing flirtations with any female that crossed his path, there were plenty of married men who still acted that way, but because Starbuck just didn't seem all that committed to Cassie. She'd even said as much, commenting to Apollo: "Well, now I know he loves me at least as much as gambling. One of these yahrens, I might just pull ahead."

***

On the Rising Star, Starbuck headed directly for the bar. Apollo sighed inwardly, knowing the type of evening he was in for: carrying Starbuck around; preventing him from getting the pogees kicked out of him; and, very likely, holding his head over a turboflush. They were on the Rising Star for a fight: the masterful Jerode of Tauren vs. Oberkon of Caprica. Before, the fight, of course, the plan had been to play the tables, but instead Starbuck just parked himself on a barstool, greeting the bartender like a long lost friend.

Apollo abandoned him for a while, playing – and winning – a few hands of Pyramid, then meeting up with Bojay and checking out some of the more sensual entertainment. He stayed there a little longer than intended (in those shadowy rooms it was hard to tell just what time it was), but Starbuck hadn't moved when he returned.

"Finish up," Apollo said. "Fight's about to start."

"Ya know what, Pol?" Starbuck slurred.

Apollo rolled his eyes and sighed. Starbuck was already far enough gone that he was using the 'Pol' instead of 'Apollo'. I should have come back sooner, Apollo thought.

"What?" he said.

"I been thinking, I'm glad Cassie can talk to you. We should all be friends, you know? We should be able t'work all this out."

"Yeah. Come on, the fight's starting –"

"'Cause, you know, I love you, Pol. And I don't want Cassie to be mad."

"Great. Let's go."

Apollo hauled him off the stool and, stumbling along, they made their way to the fight dome. He pushed Starbuck into a seat, then climbed over him to sit beside him. Starbuck slouched down, resting his head on the back of the seat and looked blearily up at Apollo.

"Did ya hear what I said?" he slurred.

"What? When?"

"Now. I love you, Pol."

"Close your eyes," Apollo ordered, hoping Starbuck would just pass out.

"Oh," Starbuck moaned, eyes closed. "Spins."

The crowd roared as the fighters entered the ring.

***

On the way back to the Galactica, Starbuck snored on Apollo's shoulder, his breath positively toxic, but at least he'd stopped talking. Apollo didn't know how much of what he'd said to attribute to drunkeness or maybe shock from breaking up with Cassie. All through the fight, Starbuck had nodded off, then come around again and said things like:

"I shoulda realized a long time ago what was goin' on, Pol. Would've saved us both a lotta trouble."

Or: "So Cassie doesn't suspect you? That's good…but we'll have to tell her…"

Tell her? Apollo thought. Tell her what?

Apollo could come up with one possible explanation, but found it too hard to believe. He and Starbuck had been a lot of things to each other over the yahrens, but never crossing that line dividing friends and lovers. Yet, here was this drunk, professing his love over and over again…

On the Galactica, Starbuck roused himself sufficiently to walk under his own power to his quarters. In fact, he was much more sober, well on his way to hung over, with a permanent frown creasing his forehead. He leaned against the wall as he punched in the code to open his door, getting it wrong the first time. Then he turned to face Apollo, obviously aware of everything he'd said over the course of the night.

"Thanks for, uh, seeing me home," he said sheepishly.

"No problem."

Starbuck just nodded and disappeared inside. Apollo headed for his own bed. There was a surprising spring in his step, considering how late it was. But he felt a warmth gushing through him, and a lightness of being that he hadn't felt in a long, long time. He looked forward to waking up in a few centars and seeing Starbuck again, only this time, he'd be watching for signs of affection. Signs, he'd quite possibly missed before.

***

The first person he saw, as he headed for the duty office, was Cassie.

Now why, Apollo asked himself as she approached, am I feeling guilty? I haven't done anything.

"How are you?" he asked.

"A little better," she answered. "Besides, I'm going to be far too busy to dwell on my broken heart."

"Oh – so, we'll all be calling you 'doctor' soon?"

"Yes." She smiled at him slyly. "Then I can order you around if I think it necessary."

"I have enough people in my life ordering me around, thanks."

Cassie looked away down the corridor, then back up at him. "Can I buy you a drink later?" she asked.

Apollo nodded. "Yeah."

She actually blushed. Apollo had never seen her do that before.

"You're on a six centar shift?" she asked.

"Yes, I can meet you in the OC after – unless you want to go somewhere else."

"No, the OC's fine. Well… bye."

"Bye."

Apollo watched her walk away, a bit surprised by her invitation. But she probably just wanted to talk some more, although those weren't exactly the signals she was giving off, if Apollo was reading the situation correctly. She'd never indicated she was interested in anyone but Starbuck… Of course, Apollo reflected as he walked, when you've been rejected, you're eager to prove you're still desirable to someone.

In the duty office, Starbuck and Boomer were having a low, murmured conversation. Starbuck looked like he hadn't had enough sleep, had circles under his eyes and just a general all-around fatigued appearance.

"Morning, sir," Boomer said.

"Morning," Apollo answered. "How're you feeling?" he asked Starbuck.

"Fine," Starbuck lied.

"Good. Lots to do today. No ass-dragging, I'm afraid."

"Well," Boomer said, getting to his feet, "I'd love to stay, but there's a drink and a bed calling me."

"Anything I need to know?" Apollo asked.

"Nope. Quiet, quiet, quiet."

"Enjoy it while you can. Won't last."

"Don't I know it. See ya later."

Boomer was gone, leaving them alone in the duty office. Apollo glanced over the shift report, but it was just as Boomer said: quiet, quiet, quiet. Not even any requests from the Commander or Tigh. For once in his life, Apollo was actually caught up on all his reports and logs; everything was even filed in its proper place. With a bored sigh, he sat down, looked across at Starbuck who was leaning over, forehead resting in his hand.

"Look alive, Lieutenant."

Starbuck sat straighter, but was still in obvious pain.

"Do you want to be excused?" Apollo asked.

"But you said we had lots to do."

"I lied. I don't even know what I'm gonna do for the next six centars, so I think I can let you go sleep it off."

Starbuck nodded. "Thanks." He gave Apollo a brief, penetrating look. "I do want to talk to you."

"I know."

"Although I think I probably said a lot of stuff last night."

He was looking for confirmation, and Apollo didn't know if he should give it or deny hearing anything. He settled for middle ground.

"Well, you were pretty drunk."

"Yeah, as I seem to be at all the important moments of my life," Starbuck said, standing.

"What's that mean?"

"Nothing – just sometimes I don't know what's happening to me. Inside. I think I'm doing something right and it all goes horribly wrong."

"Starbuck –"

"I'm all right. Just tired and hung over. Depresses me, that's all."

"Okay," Apollo said uncertainly.

Starbuck left without another word. In the ensuing silence, Apollo drummed his fingers on the desktop, then got up. He headed for the sim room, eager to blast a few holographic Cylons, hoping that would clear his head.

***

Later, he sat in the OC, waiting for Cassie. The sim room had only given him a headache, a small pain pulsing behind his eyes. And his concentration had been poor, the Cylons getting the better of him several times. Eventually he'd given up and wandered the troop decks, chatting with his subordinates as they lounged around. The atmosphere was relaxed almost to the point of being catatonic. Not even his sudden appearance jangled their nerves.

Then he'd returned to the duty office and let his thoughts flow, giving up this façade of working. His gaze went to the chair Starbuck would be sitting in, if he were there. The Lieutenant had always been such a free spirit, never seeming to need anybody – another reason his engagement had felt odd. He seemed happiest with people who were not that close to him, was more boisterous in a crowd of strangers than with those he'd known for yahrens. Apollo remembered how he'd been uneasy about Starbuck at first, never quite knowing what was going on behind those blue eyes. But Starbuck had almost instantly warmed to the new Captain. It was his influence, Apollo knew, that helped the others adjust and treat Apollo as a separate entity, not see him as merely Commander's son. He owed Starbuck a lot for easing the transition between their old, beloved Captain, and him, a kid the same age who was also son of the Commander. That Apollo loved him, there was no denying. It was hard to keep that love in check sometimes, especially after the few times Starbuck had gone missing then miraculously returned. But that love was more like brotherly affection, Apollo had always thought.

Or was it?

"Sorry I'm late," Cassie said, plunking into a chair by him. "My brain is already overloaded."

"Lots to learn?"

"That's the understatement of the millennium. Gods, I thought I already knew a lot, being a medic. But I know essentially nothing."

She signalled the bartender for two ales. Apollo watched her, wondering how he was going to extricate himself from this situation – if it got to the point where he needed extricating. He remembered some of Starbuck's drunken words from the previous night: "…we'll have to tell her…"

"I never even completed my Alpha levels at school, you know," she continued.

"No?"

"No. Couldn't be bothered with that kind of learning. And the career I chose didn't require much reading."

Apollo frowned, not out of disapproval, just out of confusion, wondering where this conversation was going. Cassie rarely talked about her former trade. She had seemed glad enough to leave it behind, accepted her new role of medtech as a kind of natural progression in the field of serving others. She certainly had all the empathy required for the medical profession.

"I'm sorry," she said, glancing at him. "I don't know what I'm saying today. Too much information rattling around up here." She tapped her temple with her finger.

The bartender brought their drinks. Cassie raised her glass.

"To new doors opening," she toasted.

"New doors." Apollo tapped his glass to hers, took a sip.

"So," Apollo said, setting his glass down, "how are you, really?"

Her eyes lost their sheen of excitement, and she traced patterns in the condensation that clung to the side of her glass.

"I don't know. I still feel kind of blind-sided, I guess. But when he proposed to me, I remember being… well, more surprised than happy. And I remember telling myself that it was wrong to feel that way. I'd finally gotten who I wanted." She paused. "It's so difficult to sort out, Apollo. I wonder if I'll ever know what happened."

Apollo said nothing, remembering what he'd felt when Starbuck told him. He'd been jealous: coldly, angrily jealous, of Starbuck and of his finding happiness with Cassie. It called up too many memories for Apollo of his brief time with Serina, of the joy of being so connected to another, breathing every breath just for them. He'd adjusted to his loneliness, but it hadn't been easy, and Starbuck had always been around to pull him out of his dark moods. If anything, Apollo had thought Starbuck was drifting away from Cassie. At least he seemed to be spending more time with his Captain than with his girlfriend. He'd drag Apollo out to the Rising Star or the OC, and they'd play cards and talk about nothing.

"Well, speak of the devil…" Cassie said, looking towards the door.

Apollo glanced over his shoulder, saw Starbuck staring directly back, his gaze flicking between him and Cassie. He stood there for a few moments, trying to decide whether to stay or go, then suddenly cut across the room, heading right for them.

Uh-oh, Apollo thought, watching him approach.

Cassie's gaze had gone icy cold. She was going to stand her ground no matter what. Apollo didn't know what to do, not wanting to be caught in the middle any more than he already was. He stared down at the table, then thought: no, that'll make me look guilty. I'm not doing anything wrong, here…

"Having a nice conversation?" Starbuck asked, his tone clipped and nasty. "Telling each other all my secrets?"

"Why would we waste our time talking about you?" Cassie replied coldly. "There are far more interesting topics."

"What can we do for you, Starbuck?" Apollo asked, wanting to avoid this confrontation at all costs.

Starbuck gave him a look that was indescribably hostile, then said some words he would regret for the rest of his life.

"I never thought I'd see you associating with her kind," he spat at Apollo.

"What?!?" Apollo exclaimed, not wanting to believe what he'd just heard.

Starbuck knew what he'd said, but it was too late to take it back. He could only keep swinging away at the two people he loved the most in the Fleet. Where this anger came from he couldn't begin to guess, but as soon as he saw Apollo sitting with Cassie his blood began to boil. His only thought was to split them up at all costs.

Cassie got slowly to her feet, the shock of the insult rendering her momentarily speechless.

"Cassie –" Apollo began, but she stopped him by putting up her hand.

"So, was that the problem?" she said quietly to Starbuck. "'My kind'? I guess I always felt that you didn't quite respect me, Starbuck. Now I know why."

She turned away, and unsteadily hurried to the exit. Apollo sat there watching, torn between going after her and hurting Starbuck. For the very first time, Apollo wanted to physically hurt him, wanted to feel his fist connecting with Starbuck's cheekbone. Starbuck, sensing the simmering rage inside Apollo, backed away from the table a few paces.

Apollo glanced around the Officer's Club, noting all the eyes watching this drama. He stood and walked over to Starbuck, leaning in close.

"You're lucky we're not alone," he snarled.

Then he spun on his heel and left.

***

Starbuck had obviously had another rough night, and despite being angry, Apollo was concerned. This behaviour wasn't like him at all. His usual sunny disposition was completely clouded. His eyes were dull and lifeless, struggling to focus on the world around him.

But Apollo was not going to ask what was wrong. Starbuck could suffer for a while. He deserved it, after what he said to Cassie. There was absolutely no acceptable excuse for those hateful words. They would shadow Cassie the rest of her life, knowing someone once so close to her really thought that way about her. She'd never completely escape her past, no matter how hard she tried.

Also, Apollo knew, the words had been aimed at him, some sort of vague accusation. But it was Cassie who deserved the apology. And he better do it soon, Apollo thought.

The silence in the duty office was near unbearable. Usually during quiet periods there'd be a running stream of banter between them: insults, jokes, long, involved discussions of Pyramid strategies. It was Starbuck who couldn't be silent for more than 30 microns at a time. But now he did everything quietly: carefully opening and closing drawers, setting datapads down with exaggerated caution. Apollo watched, annoyed yet strangely fascinated, wondering if he was witness to Starbuck's complete mental disintegration.

Then Starbuck suddenly just stopped what he was doing and rested his face in his hands. He sat like that for a long time, not even appearing to breathe, and when he did, the air entered his lungs in one long shudder. Is he crying? Apollo wondered.

He was. Tears pooled in the palms of his hands, his lips trembled silently. He didn't want to be sitting there weeping, but he kept feeling Apollo's eyes boring into the back of his head, kept seeing his angry face from the day before. And Cassie – gods, after what he'd said to her, he'd never forgive himself.

Behind him, he heard Apollo get up, heard the door to the office close. Then, a hand on his shoulder, moving across to the back of his neck, a gentle, concerned caress. Apollo got his chair and sat beside Starbuck, putting his arm around him, saying nothing, just letting the gesture speak for itself. He'd never known Starbuck to cry, and this scared him half to death.

Starbuck wanted to turn and bury his head in Apollo's shoulder, wanted to cling to him and be comforted for just a little while. But instead he brushed away the tears and took some deep steadying breaths, forcing his anguish back below the surface. He looked into Apollo's calm, green eyes, not knowing what he hoped to see, but he was disappointed. He saw concern, but it was tinged with distance, the events of the previous day still too close for forgiveness.

So many words he wanted to speak, but he held them back, afraid they wouldn't be heard. The distance in Apollo's eyes filled him with fear and regret. Oh well, Bucko, he thought to himself, you've been alone this long, what's another 50 yahrens?

"I think," Apollo said, "you need some help."

He sounded so clinical, Starbuck's heart broke a little more.

"I'm going to take you off duty for a while, until you sort things out."

No, Starbuck wanted to say, don't send me away! But he just nodded.

Apollo leaned close then, giving him a half-hug, nuzzling Starbuck's hair. Starbuck closed his eyes, knowing nothing but the exquisite feel of Apollo's touch, but too quickly it was withdrawn again.

"Go to your quarters," Apollo said.

***

Depressed did not begin to describe his mood. For three days, he'd been by himself, only the sound of his own breathing for company. He had tried to talk to Cassie, had paged her and left her messages, but never got any reply. Well, what did he expect? He had acted most indefensibly. Maybe she'd never speak to him again, and he couldn't blame her if that was indeed the outcome.

But he vowed to keep trying. He would tell her every single day how sorry he was, now matter how indifferently she treated him. It was the very least he could do. It was all he could do.

As for Apollo, well, he clung to the memory of his touch in the duty office. He clung to other happy memories of just being near him, desperately hoping that all wasn't lost. From Apollo's very first day on the Galactica, Starbuck had felt a deep connection to him, deeper than mere friendship, although he had ignored the signs for several yahrens. It frightened him too, the intense emotion Apollo aroused in him, evidenced by his breakdown in the duty office, and, of course, by what he did in the OC. It frightened him to know he needed another so desperately, that if Apollo died, he surely would die too.

However, direct expression of these feelings continued to elude him. In fact, he actively combated happiness, finding it easier to ruin lives than try and complete them.

He sighed, thinking: Apollo sent me away to sort things out, and I'm not doing a very good job.

But really, what was there to sort out? He loved Apollo. He needed Apollo. He should be talking to Apollo instead of just lying there in the dark. Gods, it couldn't be that simple, could it? Besides, Apollo was disgusted with him at the moment…

Starbuck closed his eyes, relived Apollo's touch once more.

***

Cassie glanced up when the door to sick bay opened, smiled at Apollo as he came towards her. She was at a work station, engaged in a very basic experiment involving cell division. Because of her lack of formal education, Dr. Salik had decided to give her a crash course in Delta level bio-chemical studies. So far, she was managing to grasp the concepts, which made her proud, but then she worried that it was only substitution, that she threw herself into her studies to avoid her heartache.

Oh well, she thought, isn't that what everyone does?

"What can I do for you, Captain?" she asked.

"Well…" he hesitated, but pushed onwards. "Just wondering if you've heard from Starbuck."

Her eyes narrowed. She'd managed to ban his name from this part of the ship until Apollo spoke it. But he wouldn't ask without a good reason.

"He leaves me messages," she replied quickly, "saying how sorry he is."

Apollo nodded. "It's the least he can do."

"Well, maybe I'd rather he just left me alone."

"You can't avoid each other forever."

Cassie stared at him. "Are you defending him?" she demanded.

"No," Apollo replied firmly. "But, I am in the middle of this –"

"Hardly!" she interrupted. "It's him and his wandering eye!"

Apollo looked like he was going to speak, but changed his mind. He glanced around sick bay, then let his gaze linger on Cassie for a few heartbeats.

"What is it, Apollo?" she said impatiently.

"Nothing. It's just that you're both important to me, and I feel like I have to watch my step."

She shook her head, not understanding him at all.

"I'll let you get back to work," Apollo said, turning to go.

"Fine," she replied, frustrated, feeling like she'd missed the point of the entire conversation and now she'd never know.

***

This can't go on, Apollo thought as he walked. Have to find some sort of resolution…

…but what kind of resolution would I want?

He shook his head at himself. Of course he knew the answer to that. The loneliness had been kept at bay for a long time, but now it threatened to break through again. The desire for acceptance by another was so strong it made him ache sometimes, especially when possibilities emerged well within his reach.

Starbuck had filled his thoughts for the past three days. Alone in the duty office, then again in his bed, Apollo had daydreamed about the future – not the past, and not the present, but the future, of all things. He could see himself sitting alone in his quarters, in the OC, on the Rising Star. Or, he could feel arms around him, in his quarters. Or in the OC. Or on the Rising Star. And since those arms would belong to someone he loved already, there was no reason to hold back anymore.

First, Apollo had gone to Cassie, thinking he should tell her the truth about Starbuck, and, by extension, about himself. But when he got there he just couldn't do it. She was still very angry. She would think that he was the one who broke them up.

Well, he was, but he didn't know it until very recently.

It worried him a little, what she would do when she learned the truth. But surely she wouldn't deny him this chance to happy…

Apollo stepped onto the turbolift and directed it to the deck where Starbuck's quarters were. As the doors opened again, he found himself looking at the very person he was going to see. Starbuck stood in the corridor, a bit shocked by Apollo's sudden materialization.

"I, uh, was just going to look for you," he stammered.

"And I was coming to see you," Apollo replied.

The doors started to close. Starbuck stuck out his hands and pushed them open again.

"I really need to talk to you," he said.

"I know. Can we go to your quarters?"

"Well, the maid hasn't been by lately…"

Apollo smiled. "Mine then."

Starbuck got on the lift, and they were silent for the short ride up two decks. His heart was pounding, and his hands shook, but the sensation was sweet, his nervousness reminiscent of a more innocent time in his life. No, actually he'd never felt this way, just imagined this was what real love might be like.

In Apollo's quarters, Starbuck stood just inside the door like a stranger. He'd been in here hundreds of times, but it all looked different today, the colours warmer, the furniture somehow plusher. Apollo stood a little ways off watching, and Starbuck remembered what he'd vowed to say first, before any other words passed his lips.

"Apollo," he said, "I'm so sorry for how I acted in the Officer's Club. What I did – what I said – was the absolute worst thing I could have possibly said, and I've regretted it every micron since. I've been trying to talk to Cassie, and I'll keep trying. But I'm sorry for putting you through that too."

Apollo nodded. "Apology accepted," he said.

Starbuck glanced at him quickly, then away. Was there still distance in those green eyes? He couldn't tell from where he was standing. The words he wanted to speak caught in his throat, he was so afraid of Apollo's response; just as afraid, he realized, of a 'yes', as of a 'no'.

"Come closer," Apollo said. "You can't talk to me from way over there."

Stiffly, awkwardly, he moved across the room. Gods, what was wrong with his legs? He was weak in the knees, felt like he was walking through water. Apollo, as always, threw him a lifeline.

"Well," he said, "I think I know what's going on."

"You do?"

Apollo nodded, took a step towards him. "But you still have to tell me. I need to hear it from you."

They stood close together now, and Starbuck was lost in those calm green eyes. The drew him in; they gave him courage. He didn't need the long speech he'd prepared for this moment, he could cut right to the essence, speak the bare bones truth.

"I love you, Apollo," he said. "I always have."

The eyes closed for a moment. When they opened again, they shone with a deep, rich light.

"I love you, too," Apollo whispered. "And I always have."

His hand touched Starbuck's face. His lips touched Starbuck's lips. Starbuck knew nothing but this soft kiss, was surprised to find himself thoroughly entwined around Apollo when they finally broke apart. How did this happen? he wanted to ask. How did my arms slip around you like this?

Instead, he silently let Apollo hold him. They were so close it was like they were one being.

But then, Starbuck thought, that's how it's supposed to be. We are one.

THE END