I blew him a kiss as the shuttle lifted off taking him to Dyss for the first time. It was the last time he saw me with his natural eyes. But worse than that, it was the last time I could read him. It's the one thing I could always do, even through the Mask. I could tell what he was feeling, whether he was being honest with me, what he was thinking deep inside - all by looking into his beautiful green eyes.
He left me and he's never really come back. It's not just that his optic nerve doesn't work. It's not the Mask either - although the new one hates me. I can tell. And it's not that some part of him is above and beyond anything I can even imagine - although it is.
I can't tell what he's feeling anymore. And I need to. I need to know I'm not just a mostly sentient pet to him now. Don't get me wrong! I'll settle for being a pet if that's the only way I can have his ... well, I guess it wouldn't be love then, would it? His attention? His amused affection? You know, I wouldn't mind that if I could be sure that's what it was.
When Stannor came up to me, I think he was reading my mind. I was going to beg him to let me go with Apollo - with them. In whatever capacity, it didn't matter as long as I could be near Apollo. But he made it clear there was *no* capacity in which I could possibly be needed or wanted.
So why is he still here? What am I to him? I don't know! I can't tell! Sometimes I think he's my Apollo, just like always. But other times I think he finds me an amusing toy - a relic. I'll never know now. He won't tell me if I'm just a memento of his childhood as a human; he wouldn't hurt me that way, even if it's true.
I don't want pretty lies. How will I feel when - if - I grow old? We joked about it, sure. But if I'm wondering now, how will I feel then? I want to be able to look into his eyes and learn the truth - even if it's a hurtful truth. But his eyes are blank.
There is a way. A hateful, horrible way. There is one thing that knows his deepest, innermost feelings. The Mask. And it hates me, so I must really be important to Apollo somehow. If I want to know how Apollo feels, the Mask can tell me. I can make it tell me. When Apollo is asleep, really asleep, I'll take it from its hiding place and ...
Do I want to know *that* much? Enough to steal something I shrink from? To plot to deceive my only love?
And what will I do once I've got it? No, Bucko, you can't con yourself. You know exactly what you'll do, just as you know exactly where Apollo hides it. I'll take it up to the Dome - where Apollo won't go without either me or it to guide him. I'll take it and ...
This one *moves*. The other one was bad enough, just lying there over his beautiful face, covering his eyes, even when he could see without it. I hated it! I hate this one more. It caresses him. It moves on its own. It touches him ... intimately. On the lips, the ear. He loves it. I think ... I think it's part of what Stannor taught him.
If the Mask can respond to Apollo's subconscious commands, it can respond to mine. In the Dome I'll ... force it to tell me what Apollo feels. I'll conquer it or ... or it will kill me. Maybe it will kill me anyway.
I need to know what Apollo feels about me. I need to know. But is it worth dying to find out? Do I need to know that badly?
Yes.