"You hear that, Bucko? No abuse."
"Hmm?" Turning away from dresser drawer abruptly. "Yeah. I heard." Audible sigh. Kicks something further under the bed.
"Starbuck? What are you doing?" Starts towards dresser, suspicion gleaming in his green eyes.
"Me? What? Nothing! Get away from there!" Rushes to protect dresser.
Making abrupt turn and sliding arms under bed. "And this would be?" Pulls out long leather straps with various hooks and buckles attached.
"Uhh ..." Door chimes. "You better get that."
Snorts. "We'll get back to this." Walks out of bedroom.
Starbuck sits on bed, stroking straps before tossing them underneath again. "Later." Reaches under pillow, withdrawing cat o'nine tails. "Well, at least he didn't find this." Flips it lightly over his shoulder then shakes his head. "Nah, not the same."
Apollo, at the door. "Hi guys. Sorry, but we'll have to cancel," looking around furtively, "Or at least postpone."
"Yeah, we heard. Sanna's back and wants us all to play nice."
"*I* can play nice. It's you young ones who can't pull it off."
"Yeah, right, Baltar."
"Just watch." Already deep voice goes down and octave and turns sultry. "My dear Iblis, how long it's been!"
Cultured British (well, it is!) voice responding smoothly. "Baltar, my first love! Come to me!" Holds open arms. Baltar slides into them and they embrace. Iblis bends Baltar back over his arm and they liplock.
Starbuck, from the bedroom doorway, "Gods! Get a room! Here, take this one - we're sure not using it now." Shudders.
Iblis, looking up from unfastening Baltar's black leather tunic, "How sweet of you to offer, my young friend. Thank you. Come, my love!" Leads Baltar past Starbuck into bedroom, kicking door closed elegantly with white suede booted foot.
"You must admit they put on quite a show."
"And the black leather against white silk, so sensual!"
Turning towards bulky, black-clad Security man. "Reese! How is it I never noticed how sexy you look with your paunch straining the fastenings of your uniform!"
Snorting. "And you, Bojay! With your thinning hair and scrawny body inside that ill-fitting pilot's suit! How have I resisted?"
"Come with me now, my new-found love, and we will make rapturous sounds in the turbo-flush!" Sweeping off to the only other room in bachelor officer quarters. Repeated sounds of flushing follow.
"Strip."
"Strip?"
"Strip. She said she wanted sex or something like that. No abuse."
"She said, 'stirred and shaken'. She didn't say 'sex'. Sanna's too refined to say 'sex'."
"Well, after those two displays, *I'm* certainly shaken. How about you?"
"Shaken, yeah. Stirred? Uh, uh, baby." Pats noticeable lack of lump below belt. "Quite the opposite, I'm afraid."
"Starbuck! We can't let Sanna down! She's just back, do you want her to go away again - without finishing 'The Surrogate'?"
"Well, when you put it that way ..." giving sultry look from under lowered lashes. "Will you at least spank me?"
"Why is it always you? Why can't I ever get spanked?"
"Apollo, if you got spanked it would be abuse. When I get spanked, it's the only kind of love I understand. You had a home, a family that loved you. All I had growing up was ..."
"All right, all right! Now who's abusing whom? You're making me sick to my stomach."
Smirk. "Now there's a sensual picture. But you can't throw up - Bojay and Reese are in the turbo-flush, remember?" Sounds of flushing continue.
Sitting on couch and reaching under it for paddle. "Fine. Get over here. But if Sanna gets mad and calls this abuse, I'm not taking the rap."
Dropping pants (no underwear in sight) and twitching invitingly. "Like Sanna would ever blame you. That's what Rita does, not Sanna. And Rita doesn't mind abusing me, not at all." Flops dramatically over Apollo's knees and wiggles tushy.
Apollo drops paddle and strokes offered bottom, eyes glazing. "To Hades with the paddle. I'm gonna have you right now!" Pushes Starbuck off lap and into kneeling position over couch, panting and ripping at clothes. Paddle magically transforms into tube of lube. Grabbing lube and applying it hastily. "Ready for a rough ride?"
Shivering in anticipation. "Whatever you want, love." Rubbing himself against edge of couch until he's grabbed by the hips and held still.
"*This* is what I want!" Pushing in with one thrust, then establishing hard rhythm as Poison's "Talk Dirty to Me" starts playing. In background, continued flushing keeps time to drum beat. Flash to Poison video with grunts and groans of male sex overlaid. Finale washes out with multiple male orgasmic screams.
Dissolve back to Galactica bachelor quarters. Reese and Bojay poke heads out of turbo-flush (flushing has stopped); Iblis and Baltar stand, fully clothed but disheveled in bedroom doorway. Apollo, still mounted with pants around ankles, and Starbuck, pinned to couch, look over their shoulders. All address the "fourth wall". "Is this what you wanted, Sanna?"
End